Fiery Soul

Within a month, I offered condolences to two of my peers over the loss of their grandmothers. I thought I could empathise to alleviate a little grief but I was teleported to a completely different plane under two minutes of Whatsapp.

They were right next to theirs when they passed and I missed mine by a minute Skype video call. I willingly hung up for the next caller who could not connect (?) only to phone back, almost immediately, to her still body.

10 months on, I am now compelled to search for any resentment towards my mother who told me to hang up and the caller who might have failed to utilise his/her slot. A precious time slot. Until the recent bereavement of my peers, not once did I think about this split second, life-changing moment. Truth be told, I cannot recall who I hung up for and if there actually was a connection but it had dropped.

K & C, when you told me that you were right next to your grandmother at the point of her death, I felt envious and after, indignant. I wished I had fought for my right to stay on the video call. However, if I did, I would have engaged my teary-eyed mother in an argument; uncalled for. So, for a good month, I harboured Cersei’s rage towards both my mother and the caller. Did I not deserve to stay on the fucking phone?

Now, in this very instance typing, I think some-to-most of my anger has dissipated. But I shall leave remnants for the time when I do come to know of his/her identity.
Perhaps I might confront, perhaps I might share, perhaps I might just walk away.

My grandmother would have been 78 today – 4th August 2017.
She was the eye of my storm, the only one who could rein me in and calm me down. Her presence would be so still in the face of my chaos. She saw me, the whole of me, with complete clarity. My temper is like a hurricane. It hovers inside; unleashing a storm uncontrollably and frequently, leaving destruction in my wake. It dispelled whenever I was with her; she was like a breath of fresh air out of water. Her voice was the only one I could hear in that state of mind; she was my safe harbour. 现在, 我该怎么克服困难?

I wished I had seen you breathe your last.
I hope you & grandfather are kicking up a ruckus up or down wherever you are.


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