©Photo: Shimoda, Japan taken by Lee Chapman, Tokyo Times
Not too long ago, I experienced a synthetic change in my mental state. It was humanising and enlightening albeit brief. For a while, I went dark and saw no light at the end. All it took was 4 months of daily pill intake to fail a psychiatric test with a high score of severe depression. It was a daily preventive for my migraine which worked wonders. The frequency of attacks dwindled down to, at times, not having one in a week. Thus, when it came down to getting me off the pill, I hesitated. For a good minute, I considered sacrificing my mental health just so I would not have to experience the excruciating pain of a migraine attack ever again. Naturally, Kenny and my neurologist were not having it. And today brought me back to that minute of consideration when Kenny said “You are back.”
It is chilling to know that I was willing to abandon myself.
Today, I was running around the workplace meting out all sorts of directives. It was like a breath of fresh air out of water. Not too long ago, I was at home 24/7. There was zero zest for life. I was uninterested in everything; any thing and anyone. Including me.
I am truly, and sincerely, appreciative to have had a glimpse of gloom and a taste of abjection. Do not get me wrong though, I did not emerge stronger or better. I returned to status quo barely pissing in my pants. Today jolted me into such a stark realisation that I had to pen this down and also, for my future self to not forget that today was the day my husband got his wife back. I am highly indebted to both him and my cousin as they subtly but firmly pushed for the Bali trip. I recognise now that it was the break I badly needed; the intermission between Act 2 and Act 3 at the cusp of my life’s play.
I cannot imagine the despondency of others who are/were in longer and darker tunnels. If you are still finding your way, I hope you will meet me out here soon under starry night skies and away from fluorescent tubes. If you are already dancing in sunshine, I can now say “I empathise” and am really glad you made it out. However, I still would not be able to fully fathom your struggles, after all, mine was merely a drug-induced abyss but an abyss none of us should return home to.
*major thanks to grace and tim. if not for you, i might not have been aware. ♠♦